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All I Want For Christmas Are My Front Row Seats.

Neil Diamond is coming here in concert on December 19.  Just in case you are reading this and you happen to be my husband or a very, very, very, very generous friend who loves me very, very, very, very much, tickets to this concert might be at the very top of my Christmas wish-list! 

I've never seen him in concert and we all know how much I love him, don't we?  And I'm not the only one.  I can't remember a time when he has come to SLC and not sold out his concert.  People lurve him here and I can't say that I blame them.  He's freaking awesome.

So, anyway, I'm just, you know, putting that out there.  I haven't read The Secret, but I heard that that is all you have to do: tell the Universe what you want and it will come to you.  So, Universe, I had better find some tickets to Neil Diamond in my hot little hands the minute they go on sale.  If not, well, Universe, you'd better run because I'll be comin' to get you.  Don't test me, Universe.  I will cut a bitch if I have to.

In the immortal words of my nephew Connor:

"I hate the sun!  It burns your eyes when you look at it!"  It should not be morning already!  I am so tired, you guys, and for no obvious reason!  We went to bed at the normal time.  I got up at the normal time.  But, still, yaaaaawwwn.

Nothing much has been going on with me this week, but my DVR is starting to quickly become filled to the brim with Season Premier goodness.  After what seems like an eternity of re-runs and crappy reality/game shows, the 2008 TV season has finally begun and I am peeing my pants with excitement.  For your convenience, I will now make a list of shows you should be watching and shows that you can watch if you want to, but I'm not going to watch them anymore because I'm sick and fucking tired of Meredith and Derek breaking up and getting back together.  Also, I hate Katherine Heigl.

Did you know?

That Idaho's governor is named C.L. "Butch" Otter?  I think that's pretty hilarious.

Did you further know that I have won all three of the hearings I've done so far?  I am beyond happy about that!  I've always been a bit afraid that I wouldn't do a very good job on hearings because I am absolutely terrified of things like that.  Well, unless I have a couple drinks in me.  Then I'm all over the public speaking.  Need a toast at a wedding or special event?  Give me a couple of shots of Jaeger and let me go!  I will blow your mind.

Really, though, I don't know why doing hearings or, god forbid, a trial in an actual courtroom scare me so much.  I get really nervous beforehand and I can't stop thinking about everything that could go wrong and, even though I do try to focus on other things, there's always that voice in the back of my head that whispers that I'm going to screw it all up or say something just ridiculously stupid.  This is what a therapist I saw once called "self-defeating behavior."  I went to this therapist because it was free (through the Utah Bar) and I never went again because he had a pony-tail and his office smelled like incense.  So, I can blame my poor mental health on my hatred of all things hippy!

From what I can see, a lot of people are nervous before stuff like this.  My boss, for instance, who is extremely smart and an amazing attorney, had an oral argument at the federal court a couple of weeks ago and she was scared for all the same reasons I'm scared and she's been doing this for 15 years!  At the argument, though, she seemed calm and collected and she totally kicked ass!  She had done all of her homework and she practiced and she was prepared to go in and convince the judge to see things her way-- and she did!

That's what I'm trying to do with my hearings and I guess it's worked out pretty well so far.  I don't know what I'm going to do when I have multiple hearings on one day, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it (on October 2).  Right now, though, I have to admit to being kind of proud of myself and really happy that I've been able to help these 3 people get the help they need.  I know I'm not going to win them all, but I will be damned if we lose because I haven't done the work I'm supposed to do.

If only it was acceptable to take a shot of something before stuff like this.  On second thought, I don't know that "drunken Carrie, who thinks she's soooooo funny" would provide the best representation available.  There is a time and a place for everything: Drunk Carrie at a party?  Most def.  Drunk Carrie at any kind of proceeding wherein it isn't appropriate to say "fuck"?  Not so much.  So, I'll just stick with the "prepare, prepare, prepare" method I mentioned earlier.

Why did I even bother writing that post below?

When I could have just sent this to everyone I know or, you know, posted it on the blog instead:

Sarah Palin loves me, this I know....

for my vagina tells me so.  GOD!  Ladies!  Snap out of it!!

I don't usually get political because my powers are best used when directed towards subjects like "The 2008 Fall TV Schedule: Will 90210 v.2 live up to the hype?"  Answer: Meh.  I know I'm a little behind on this outrage but I'm busy!  I just can't help but get angry when I read stuff like this from ABC News:

Before Palin joined the ticket, Obama enjoyed a lead over McCain among women, 55 percent to 37 percent, according to a recent ABC News/Washington Post poll.

However a new ABC News/Washington Post poll out today finds white women have moved from 50-42 percent in Obama's favor before the conventions to 53-41 percent for McCain now, a 20-point shift in the margin that's one of the single biggest post-convention changes in voter preferences.

Sixty-seven percent view her favorably and 58 percent say her selection makes them more confident in McCain's decision-making. Among those with children, Palin does better yet. And enthusiasm for McCain among his female supporters has soared.

That emphasis above is mine because, seriously, what the fuck women of America?  The below is from a comment to an article about McCain picking Palin as VP.  Is this how people are really thinking?

Truly, I was a Hillary supporter, because I wanted a woman in the White House, for a change, yes, CHANGE, and I swore I would not vote for any boy-boy ticket again, and I was so afraid McCain would pick a boring dreary male Veep, but he picked this vibrant energetic woman with children, and as a mom, I just might vote for her.

There is absolutely no way that I can believe John McCain picked Sarah Palin because she was the best candidate for the job.  He picked her because she is a woman, plain and simple, and not because she is experienced or smart or would be the best person to be second in command of our country.  How does this engender confidence in his decision making?  Well, to be honest, it was a very good strategic decision for his campaign but I think it was a horrible decision for the welfare of our country.  Otherwise, though, I think it's outright offensive and sexist in its own right.

I had heard things about McCain doing this to woo the women who were going to vote for Hillary, but I never believed it could happen! This jump in the polls just reinforces the belief that women will vote for the candidate with a vagina-- no matter who's wearing it!  "Does she have a vagina?  SIGN ME UP!  So what if she wants to overturn Roe v. Wade!  She's a lady and, ergo, she must have my best interests at heart!"

Sarah Palin likes the Republican Party's platform:

Palin has described the Republican Party platform as "the right agenda for America," because of its "respect for equality and respect for life and an acknowledgment that it is individual Americans and American families who can make better decisions for ourselves than government can ever make for us," adding that "individual freedom and independence is extremely important to me and that's why I'm a Republican."

Unless, of course, the choice you want the freedom to make involves whether you can get an abortion or whether you want to marry your same-sex partner.  Those are decisions that the government is better equipped to make for us. 

I'm sure these women would all agree with her stance on abortion, which is that it should be illegal, even in cases of incest and rape (unless the mother's life is in danger, because then the mother's right to live outweighs that of the baby).  Right?

Also, I'm sure that these women will be happy about the fact that John McCain wants to tax employer-paid health insurance benefits as income.  But! He's giving a $2,500/person, $5,000/family tax credit, which is supposed to make the health insurance market more competitve by allowing people to find the best bargain for their insurance!  Because that's exactly what people want to do when their health or the health of their family is concerned: finding the best bang for their buck! 

No, women of America, there is no need to actually investigate the issues to see if Sarah Palin will actually do anything to advance women's issues while she's in office.  I mean, the fact that she can kill and dress a whole moose is really what's important here! 

It's almost as if John McCain is jangling shiny keys in our faces and saying, "Hey, look!  Shiny keys!  Aren't they pretty?  Don't they make an interesting noise when I shake them around?"  Issues should be of no concern to women voters because SARAH PALIN HAS A VAGINA!  Pay no attention to the old, old man behind the curtain, ladies, the only thing that matters is the genetalia of engaging and attractive (but inexperienced, unqualified, ethically questionable, and, frankly, kind of scary) lady-pitbull who has been chosen as the candidate for VP! AND THEY'RE FALLING FOR IT!  IN DROVES!

I think that whoever these people are, they need to take the advice that women have been giving men for centuries: It's time to stop thinking with your head and not that thing in your pants!  Cut it out, please, for the love of GOD. 

Something to think about.

Why, in this time of medical and technological advancements, has no one figured out a way for me to have a baby with Tina Fey? 

The Beauty of Bureaucracy

Today I spent close to half of the day on the phone, talking to or trying to reach, someone who could tell me something about the status of one of our client's claims.  It was really important I find out the status today because it was our appeals deadline, so I needed some time to do the appeal if necessary.

This client lives outside of the country, so I started out calling the state agency that I thought was handling his claim.  They directed me to call a specific Social Security office that handled international claims.  I called that number and was told I should try someone named Tracy.  I called Tracy and spoke with her assistant, Yolanda, who looked at the computer file and said she'd need to transfer me to someone who would have access to the file.

She transferred me to Lisa who looked in the computer file and said I needed to talk to a claims rep.  She transferred me to a claims rep named Elizabeth Taylor. ("Just like the movie star," she said.  "Before or after she went batshit crazy," I said.  Unfortunately, it was the latter.)  Elizabeth then gave me the number of Mr. Pena, who, she said, was the manager of the office that was in charge of this particular case.

I called Mr. Pena and left him a message.  I waited for a while and, knowing Social Security as I do, I started trying to track him down.  I googled his phone number and got a few hits on numbers in the same department.  I called one and, amazingly, got a real live person!  When I asked her if Mr. Pena had an assistant she said, "Yes, his assistant's name is Tracy.  Here is her number."  She then gave me Tracy's number.

After hanging up, I thought to myself, "Heeeey.  Tracy?  I wonder if..."  And sure enough, the number she gave me was the number for Tracy that I had called originally.  Like, four hours before.  This time, though, when I called Tracy, she picked up!  And after I explained everything to her, she looked in the computer and told me she was going to have to talk to Lisa.  Yes!  The same Lisa!

Finally, four hours later, I had my answer.  Kind of.  I never really found out the status of the case, but I found out enough to do what I needed to do.  It wasn't everything I needed, but I've found that you can't always get what you want.  Especially when a gigantic government agency is involved.

Thunderstruck

Dudes, I saw Tropic Thunder this weekend.  If you haven't seen it yet, you MUST GO NOW!  I should have immediately left the movie and gone home to write down everything I liked about it because now all I can really remember is just laughing my a-s-s off for 2 hours.  Ok, not exactly.  Here are a few choice nuggets that I can remember (but I will try not to give too much away because I don't want to ruin it):

• The fake trailers and commercial at the very beginning.  So awesome and so funny.
• The cameos and other amazing casting coups:  Steve Coogan (who you also MUST SEE in Hamelt 2-- Don't wait!  Go now!), Nick Nolte, Matthew McConaughey, Bill Hader, Jay Baruchel, Tom Cruise... which brings me to my next point:
• Tom Cruise.  Oh my god, you guys.  I had heard that he was amazingly funny, but I had no idea.  He was f-ing brilliant.  Perhaps he was able to be so funny because he wasn't technically himself; after all, he was unrecognizable in all that make-up.  Whatever it was, it worked.  I completely lost it when he and Bill Hader started dancing around to Flo Rida's "Low."  For me, that was the best part of the entire movie. 
• The "full retard" conversation between Robert Downey, Jr. and Ben Stiller.  Controversial?  Yes.  Politically incorrect?  Most definitely.  Hilarious?  Awwww yeah.
• Robert Downey, Jr. and his mad acting skillz.  I am a little biased, though, because I love RDJ and I want to mate with him.  If I had a list of the 5 people I could blahblahblah, he would be sandwiched right between Peter Krause and some unholy combination of Michael Phelps, Jon Stewart, and Tina Fey.  Wait... hold on a second.... oh my.
• Tiny Chinese kid stabbing Tugg Speedman in the back.
• Simple Jack and his head movies that make his eyes rain.

Speaking of eye rain, I cried no less than 4 times during this movie.  Which I think is really the best descriptor of how funny it actually was.  Prior to this, the most I had ever cried in a movie was 3 times during Old School.  This was a record that I thought would never be broken, but Tropic Thunder did it.  AND HOW!  So, you could say, that Tropic Thunder is to comedy as Michael Phelps is to Olympic records.  Or, you know, that it's a really funny movie and you should really go see it and shit.

My Big Fat Greek Weekend... Ok, just Saturday Night

Here in SLC, there is a Greek Festival every September and, after living here for 12 years, I thought it was finally time to go see what the hub-bub was all about.  Well, that's not exactly true.  Some of our friends called on Friday to see if we wanted to go but they didn't want to leave until 9:00 AT NIGHT.  Luckily for us, our friends are nice enough to realize that by 9:00 I've been in my pajamas for about 3 hours, so they agreed to make a change of plans and go on Saturday at the more Carrie-friendly hour of 7:00--even though they were helping someone move on Saturday and would probably be very tired.  They are truly wonderful people, no?

The big draw to this event seems to be the food, since we spent over an hour waiting in a line akin to those you find at Disneyland just to get to the food.  It was totally worth it, too, because YUM!  Everything was good, but I wish that I had just gotten a big plate of the dolmades since they were the absolute best that I've ever had and I wish I would have met them before I met Joel so I could have married them and settled down to live a long happy life with them.  You know that sound Homer Simpson makes whenever he thinks something is exceptionally tasty?  That was the sound I made after every bite of dolmades.  Except multiplied by a billion.  Also, there was baklava, which elicited a sound I usually reserve for more... um... intimate moments?

Joel seemed to like one dish more than anything else, which is why he requested that I make it tonight for dinner.  It's called Pastitsio and is basically Greek macaroni and cheese.  It was very good and I'll have to let you know whether I, who have never made it before, can make it as good as the Greek women (or men) who probably come out of the womb making it.  That is to say, don't get your hopes up, honey!

To sum up: Greek Festival = pretty damn awesome.  If I grew up with a Greek mother who could cook food like we ate on Saturday, I'd weigh 900 pounds and I would have to be lifted out of my house with a crane.

P.S.- I know I've been away for a while, so to make up for leaving the 5 of you reading this here blog on the edge of your seats thinking that I must have been dragged away by a black bear or something, this week, I will try to post on days that end with "ee."  If you live outside of the great state of Utah, you might think that this means I will not be posting at all, ever.  Never fear: in Utah, all days end with "ee."  For example, today is "Mundee" and tomoroww is "Twosdee."  The only exception is Sunday, which is called "The Lord's Day," so I'll be taking that off because of the Lord.  If you have a problem with that, take it up with him.  I don't make the rules.