That's why they call it dope.

This is what my mother says every time my younger sister gets in trouble for smoking weed. This is something that she has been doing on a fairly regular basis, from what I gather, for a number of years. The first time, she didn't really get in trouble for the pot; more for the fact that she was found by the police, completely hammered, passed out in her car after side-swiping (and totaling) a parked car. The cops did find a roach clip in her car, though I don't think she was ever given a ticket for possession of drug paraphernalia.

No, that charge came right after Christmas when she was hanging out with some karaoke DJ/cocaine dealer (I don't know which is worse) who was bright enough to sell to an undercover cop. When they came to execute a search warrant at this dude's house, my sister was there and she helpfully told the cops that she had a pot pipe in her backpack. I mean, I'm not saying she should have lied or tried to hide it or anything but don't do their freaking jobs for them, ok?

Normally, this wouldn't be such a big deal, but she's still on probation for the DUI incident and the judge in that case could throw her ass in jail for 6 months because she violated the terms of her probation. Greeaaat. Upon talking to her about why she thought it was a good idea to (1) hang out with cocaine dealers and (2) carry around a pot pipe while she knows she's still on probation, she tried to explain it thusly:

Carrie: Dude. Seriously. You have got to stop fucking up.
Little Pothead Sister: Yeah...
Carrie: Were you using while you were in treatment?
LPS: No.
Carrie: So, when did you start using again?
LPS: Right after I got through with the program.
Carrie: And you thought this was a good idea because?
LPS: Well, you're just going to think this is stupid...
Carrie: Ok, what?
LPS: The only reason I smoke is because I really don't agree with how it's regulated.
Carrie: LPS, I'm calling bullshit on that. In fact, I think that is the biggest pile of bullshit that I've ever heard come out of your mouth. Seriously? I mean, I don't agree with how prostitution is regulated, but you don't see me "protesting" it by hanging out on the corner offering handjobs for $10.* GOD!

And, scene!

Yes, those actual words came out of her mouth to explain her monumental stupidity. Some people might think that I'm being too hard on her. To those people, I say: That may be true, but she's my sister, so you should mind your own damn business. I spent the better part of the last couple of weeks with my stomach in a knot, trying to track down a lawyer for her while also trying to find something to assure my mother that her youngest child won't have to spend six months in the pokey. I don't know what's going to happen to her, but as she's 27 years old and is free to make her own (incredibly stupid) decisions, I'll just have to let her take her lumps.

So, when I saw this picture on the news this morning, I heard my mother's words going through my head again:

All right, all right, all right...

I'm not judging Michael Phelps for smoking weed. That's not the point of this little rant. I would venture to say that a large part of the population has, at some point, experimented with it. I'll even admit that, in the past, I have taken a hit or two. I would also like to note that I have known quite a few people who smoke pot, a lot of pot, every single day and they still manage to make it to work, be attentive parents, pay their taxes, mow their lawns, go grocery shopping (mostly for chips and whatnot, but that's besides the point), and basically live respectable lives. They are not going around shooting people or knocking over 7-11's in order to support their habit. What you do in the privacy of your own home is none of my business! Smoke away! If you keep it to yourself and don't hurt anyone in the process, you're aces with me!

What I will judge Michael Phelps for is being a complete dumbass. Seriously, Michael Phelps! Did you honestly think that this was a good idea? Did you think that there wouldn't be anyone at this party who would recognize this as an opportunity to score some major bank with pictures of you taking a bong hit? Really? Really? Because, I just don't understand how you could think this was a good idea. Do you need someone to follow you around and smack you on the back of your head when you're about to do something retarded? If so, where might I send my resume? I can totally do that.

Like it or not, Michael Phelps, you are not a normal 24-year-old. You have been put under the microscope of celebrity and, while celebrity does come with numerous privileges, it also means that you need to be very careful about the kinds of things you do whilst at a party at the University of South Carolina. You can't take a bong hit and not expect it to leak out somewhere. You can't play grabass with strippers in Vegas and be surprised when it makes Page Six. You need to put your fame (and money) to work and hire a trustworthy assistant to procure your pot or strippers so you can enjoy them in the privacy of your own home/car/VIP room at Suede. (Is that even a cool nightclub anymore? I don't know. I've stopped reading US Weekly and Perez Hilton, so I'm a bit out of the loop as far as clubs go. Like I was ever in the loop. Lord.) It's called a non-disclosure agreement. Look into it.

So, now that you're in a shit-heap of trouble with sponsors, the public, your mother, I have to ask: was it worth it? Yes, it will probably blow over in a few weeks and everyone will forget about it, but the next time you are presented with the choice to suck on a bong or pass it to the next bloke, what are you going to do?

I'm hopeful you'll have learned your lesson, but if not, I will provide you with a helpful rhyme that should remind you of what you need to do in such a situation: If in public, just say "nope." But if you're home, it's totally ok to get completely baked, dude. Awwwwww yeah..... Sorry, I kind of lost my train of thought there for a second. What was I saying? Does anyone have any Cheetos?

(*By the way, I use this just as an example and it does not reflect my actual feelings regarding prostitution or the cost and availability of hand jobs.)