Trying to Rent Out Our Condo:

It's like dating, but without the possibility of sex at the end of the night. Unless you're like I was, and then it's pretty much exactly like dating.

Here's the thing. We've been trying to rent out our (empty, mortgage laden) condo for about a month and have yet to have anyone even return an application for it. Plenty of people come and look but, for whatever reason, we haven't had any luck. There was one promising guy: good job, married, responsible, looking to move fairly soon. His job was even moving their office about a block away from our building. Could be more perfect for him? Apparently, it could because he has completely blown us off. Won't respond to e-mails asking if he's still interested and telling him that we're decreasing the rent. We even offered to give him a discount on the first month's rent! And yet, nothing!

It's the same for other people we've shown it to. They come to see it and they are all enthusiastic and think it's great and... then weeks go by and they never call. They never write. They want to see other apartments. They're just not looking to commit to something right now. They're just interested in renting a condo that has bigger boobs. You know the drill: It's not us, it's them. And, while something like this is not as confusing and infuriating as it is when it happens romantically, it is pretty damn close.

I mean, we are all adults here. If you aren't interested, just let me know! I won't come and key your car or send an e-mail to your coworkers telling them you gave my condo the clap! I won't show up at your new place and cry about how you never really gave our condo a chance! Seriously, just tell me you don't want what I'm selling and I will leave you alone.

But don't come crying to me in 2 months saying that you're sorry and you do want to rent the condo after all and you should have realized what a kick-ass deal it is. You had your chance, and now you will just have to live with the fact that your new place doesn't have central air, high ceilings, granite counter tops, new appliances and an amazing view of downtown. You'll just have to put up with the shitty freeway and public transportation access that you have in your new place. You made your bed in a different apartment, and you will just have to sleep in it! Unless our condo is still vacant, and then I will totally take you back. Because, when times are tough, I'll take it where I can get it. Again, just like when I was dating.