Dear Ms. Min:
First let me say that I love your magazine. I buy it almost every week. I won't get a subscription because then I wouldn't get it until the Monday after it comes out and I can't wait that long to read it! I would see it there on the stands every Saturday and Sunday, taunting me with its juicy stories that I couldn't read for two more days. That would be absolute torture. So, I've spent $3.50 every week since that weekend in 2003, when I fell in love with US after the frame-by-frame breakdown of Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me a River" video to show the readers exactly how Justin was outing Britney as a common whooore. Man, that was awesome.
However, my feelings have started to change in the past few months. I still look to US every week to give me the shiny, flashy, informative celebrity gossip that I have come to know and trust... but it's not the same. This is mainly because, for some reason, you keep putting Lauren Conrad, Heidi Montag, or Spencer Pratt (or some unholy combination thereof) on the cover. Whenever I see anything about "The Hills" or any of its "stars" on the cover of US, I refuse to buy it.
I don't want to read about how LC felt betrayed by something something something. I DON'T CARE whether Spencer and Heidi "broke up" or if they are just "taking a break." I wish they would break up with the human race and take a break from the EARTH because they are a complete waste of our time and attention. What do they do that merits being on the cover of any major weekly magazine? Let alone one that purports to write about celebrities.
As a celebrity weekly magazine, you should be focusing on celebrities. (Using that term loosely, this would include Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, but I'm not too happy about that, either.) What has anyone from The Hills ever done except appear on a "reality" show about... God, what's it even about? Lauren Conrad fake-working at a fake-job and talking about her fake-problems and her "rivalries" with a number of other people who are also taking part in this fake reality. I mean, who really has arch-enemies? Who? Besides comic book superheroes, that is. So, until Lauren Conrad is battling Heidi Montag in a death match to save the planet from horrible music videos or overpriced jersey garbage sack dresses,I don't want to hear about it!
Furthermore, I understand that you are trying to market your magazine to those youngsters who do like this show, but you shouldn't. I am exactly the person who you want to buy your magazine. I'm still fairly young-- I'm only 32!-- and I have loads of disposable income. I want to buy crap from your advertisers! Especially all of those weight-loss pills at the back of the magazine. Those look like they work fantastically! I can lose 40 pounds in one week? It must be true because they printed it right there! Sign me up! (And THAT should make you realize that I believe anything I read. Thus, I am the perfect reader and you should be courting me.)
So, please, please, please, pleeeaaaasssseee stop putting anything or anyone related to "The Hills" on the cover of your magazine. I wouldn't begrudge you a small piece on the inside, one that I can skip over fairly easily, but ENOUGH with the cover! I will hold you responsible if I have to gouge my eyes out because I can't stand to look at Spencer Pratt's poor attempt at a white man's 'fro one more time. Also, we'll be sending you the bills for the mental hospital when I go nut-balls crazy because I have to see yet another story about how poor Heidi had to get plastic surgery to feel better about the fact that she was born chestily-challenged. Seriously.
"But," you say, "we put other reality stars on the cover! Like Tori Spelling!" Oh, Janice. Tori Spelling was Donna FREAKING Martin! She deserves to be on the cover because she waited so long before she gave her precious flower to David Silver. And she's got some skeletons in her closet what with the adultery and leaving her first husband for her current husband even though her parents spent over $1,000,000 on their wedding and she had a baby and then lost weight and now is pregnant again. Not to mention the fact that her father was richer than God, but she couldn't seem to get a good boob job. What's that about? See! That's newsworthy!
Also, I'm kind of getting annoyed with you acting like you're so above it all when you point out how the other gossip rags got it all wrong. This is mainly with stories about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt when you put other magazine's covers in your magazine and point out how they are sooo wrong and they just print lies, lies, lies. It just makes you look petty.
Also also, I don't believe that Stars are just like me. "They shop for boots!" Well, yes, I do shop for boots, but I'm usually doing it at Payless or Big Lots and they cost a hell of a lot less than anything Lindsay Lohan is buying. Now, if you had a picture of Lindsay Lohan eating an entire pizza in one sitting? Then I would believe she was just like me. Until then, please stop patronizing me.
Finally, I don't want to quit you, US magazine. There are many places I can get my Hollywood gossip but I'm pretty loyal, so I'll stick with you, but don't push it. Even I have my breaking point. Here's a little advice: If you get stuck and can't find a good story, just go to Perez Hilton like everyone else. He's bound to have something you can use. You're welcome.
Love,
Carrie