sparkerly.com

That's why they call it dope.

This is what my mother says every time my younger sister gets in trouble for smoking weed.  This is something that she has been doing on a fairly regular basis, from what I gather, for a number of years.  The first time, she didn't really get in trouble for the pot; more for the fact that she was found by the police, completely hammered, passed out in her car after side-swiping (and totaling) a parked car.  The cops did find a roach clip in her car, though I don't think she was ever given a ticket for possession of drug paraphernalia.

Just a few minutes old and already her father's embarassing her.

I'll bet she wishes she could crawl back into that nice, warm womb... and that her father wasn't a giant douche (or turd sandwich-- you decide).  Don't know what I'm talking about?  Read all about it here:

ELIZABETHTON, Tenn. -- A new father has secretly named his baby girl Sarah McCain Palin after the Republican ticket for president and vice president.

Mark Ciptak of Elizabethton put that name on the documents for the girl's birth certificate, ignoring the name Ava Grace, which he and his wife had picked earlier.

"I don't think she believes me yet," he told the Kingsport Times-News for a story to be published Tuesday. "It's going to take some more convincing."

Ciptak, a blood bank employee for the American Red Cross, said he named his third child after John McCain and Sarah Palin to "to get the word out" about the campaign.

"I took one for the cause," he said. "I can't give a lot of financial support for the (McCain/Palin) campaign. I do have a sign up in my yard, but I can do very little."

Brother.  Poor little baby. 

Have you heard?

That America's Princess, Jenna Bush, got married this weekend?  I call her that because I saw this picture when I was looking at non-work-related websites this morning:

An Open Letter to Janice Min, Editor in Chief of US Magazine

Dear Ms. Min:

First let me say that I love your magazine.  I buy it almost every week.  I won't get a subscription because then I wouldn't get it until the Monday after it comes out and I can't wait that long to read it!  I would see it there on the stands every Saturday and Sunday, taunting me with its juicy stories that I couldn't read for two more days.  That would be absolute torture.  So, I've spent $3.50 every week since that weekend in 2003, when I fell in love with US after the frame-by-frame breakdown of Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me a River" video to show the readers exactly how Justin was outing Britney as a common whooore.  Man, that was awesome.

However, my feelings have started to change in the past few months.  I still look to US every week to give me the shiny, flashy, informative celebrity gossip that I have come to know and trust... but it's not the same.  This is mainly because, for some reason, you keep putting Lauren Conrad, Heidi Montag, or Spencer Pratt (or some unholy combination thereof) on the cover.  Whenever I see anything about "The Hills" or any of its "stars" on the cover of US, I refuse to buy it.

I don't want to read about how LC felt betrayed by something something something.  I DON'T CARE whether Spencer and Heidi "broke up" or if they are just "taking a break."  I wish they would break up with the human race and take a break from the EARTH because they are a complete waste of our time and attention.  What do they do that merits being on the cover of any major weekly magazine?  Let alone one that purports to write about celebrities.

As a celebrity weekly magazine, you should be focusing on celebrities.  (Using that term loosely, this would include Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, but I'm not too happy about that, either.)  What has anyone from The Hills ever done except appear on a "reality" show about... God, what's it even about?  Lauren Conrad fake-working at a fake-job and talking about her fake-problems and her "rivalries" with a number of other people who are also taking part in this fake reality.  I mean, who really has arch-enemies?  Who?  Besides comic book superheroes, that is.  So, until Lauren Conrad is battling Heidi Montag in a death match to save the planet from horrible music videos or overpriced jersey garbage sack dresses,I don't want to hear about it!

Furthermore, I understand that you are trying to market your magazine to those youngsters who do like this show, but you shouldn't.  I am exactly the person who you want to buy your magazine.  I'm still fairly young-- I'm only 32!-- and I have loads of disposable income.  I want to buy crap from your advertisers!  Especially all of those weight-loss pills at the back of the magazine.  Those look like they work fantastically!  I can lose 40 pounds in one week?  It must be true because they printed it right there!  Sign me up!  (And THAT should make you realize that I believe anything I read.  Thus, I  am the perfect reader and you should be courting me.) 

So, please, please, please, pleeeaaaasssseee stop putting anything or anyone related to "The Hills" on the cover of your magazine.  I wouldn't begrudge you a small piece on the inside, one that I can skip over fairly easily, but ENOUGH with the cover!  I will hold you responsible if I have to gouge my eyes out because I can't stand to look at Spencer Pratt's poor attempt at a white man's 'fro one more time.  Also, we'll be sending you the bills for the mental hospital when I go nut-balls crazy because I have to see yet another story about how poor Heidi had to get plastic surgery to feel better about the fact that she was born chestily-challenged.  Seriously.

"But," you say, "we put other reality stars on the cover!  Like Tori Spelling!"  Oh, Janice.  Tori Spelling was Donna FREAKING Martin!  She deserves to be on the cover because she waited so long before she gave her precious flower to David Silver.  And she's got some skeletons in her closet what with the adultery and leaving her first husband for her current husband even though her parents spent over $1,000,000 on their wedding and she had a baby and then lost weight and now is pregnant again.  Not to mention the fact that her father was richer than God, but she couldn't seem to get a good boob job.  What's that about?  See!  That's newsworthy!

Also, I'm kind of getting annoyed with you acting like you're so above it all when you point out how the other gossip rags got it all wrong.  This is mainly with stories about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt when you put other magazine's covers in your magazine and point out how they are sooo wrong and they just print lies, lies, lies.  It just makes you look petty.

Also also, I don't believe that Stars are just like me.  "They shop for boots!"  Well, yes, I do shop for boots, but I'm usually doing it at Payless or Big Lots and they cost a hell of a lot less than anything Lindsay Lohan is buying.  Now, if you had a picture of Lindsay Lohan eating an entire pizza in one sitting?  Then I would believe she was just like me.  Until then, please stop patronizing me.

Finally, I don't want to quit you, US magazine.  There are many places I can get my Hollywood gossip but I'm pretty loyal, so I'll stick with you, but don't push it.  Even I have my breaking point.  Here's a little advice: If you get stuck and can't find a good story, just go to Perez Hilton like everyone else.  He's bound to have something you can use.  You're welcome.

Love,
Carrie

Now Servicing Number 9!

So, I've been reading about this thing with New York's governor whoring it up and the outrage that people are feeling because this has come to light.  I guess people are feeling betrayed because he said he was going to bring change and accountability and (insert buzzword here). 

And then we find out that he was using high-priced prostitutes (gasp! choke! spitzer!), so they're understandably surprised and confused and disillusioned.  That's the thing, though, I don't think people should be any of those things.  He's a politician, people!  That's what they do!  They're screwing regular citizens every day of the week-- why wouldn't they be screwing high-priced hookers at the Mayflower Hotel on the side? 

People seem to be working under this theory: If all people are imperfect and all politicians are people, therefore, all politicians should be perfect angels that never do anything wrong.  That does not make sense!  I'm not trying to minimize what he did at all, but I don't think that it should be the deciding factor on whether or not he's qualified to be the governor.  Is it the deciding factor on whether or not his wife kicks him in the nuts?  Yes, yes it is.

I think people are completely missing the point here.  I don't think the fact that the governor likes to visit high-class hookers* should disqualify him from running the state.  I do think the fact that he was stupid about it should reflect poorly on his gubernatorial skills.  I mean, he called to set it up himself, registered at the Mayflower Hotel (which never gets used for prostitution!  no one will ever suspect!) with a fake name but used his own goddamn address.  Way to go there, champ.  Your subterfuge rivals that of the CIA.  How did you ever get caught?  That's some real live stupid, right there.

It looks like people didn't approve of the job he was doing, anyway, so maybe this is all for the best.  He probably should resign just because that seems to be what people want him to do.  But if he were doing a fantastic job prior to this and this was the only reason people wanted him to resign?  That just seems ridiculous to me. 

Judging from this picture, though, I can give him a couple ideas for a new occupation:

Eliot Spitzer: The Guy Who Can Eat His Own Face (coming to a side-show near you!)  OR

Eliot Spitzer: Denture Tester to the Stars.

*Did you see how much those girls earn?  This is from the NYT article: "According to prosecutors, the Emperor’s Club provided women to clients in London, Paris, Miami and other cities, and charged them between $1,000 and $5,500 an hour."  Seriously, I want to see what these girls look like.  Are their hoo-has made of gold?  Seems like that would be a little uncomfortable, but, what do I know?  I ain't got no golden hoo-ha and I barely make minimum wage.

This is not, I repeat NOT, a story in The Onion.

Seriously, this was reported by Reuters.  I'm just glad that Condie clarified whether the President could dance or not.  Now I can sleep safely knowing that if, for some reason, our President gets served he'll be able to defend himself, and our nation, properly.

Our State Legislature: Doing Utah Proud Since... Never.

I'm not usually one to complain about our lawmakers here in Utah.  What's the point, really?  They are mostly white, male, mormon, Republicans who just don't get it.  They are generally only really concerned about two things: (1) making sure that gay men and women can't have anything that even resembles the same rights as anyone else, AND (2) making it impossible for anyone to go out and get a drink without first having to jump through hoops of fire and memorize secret handshakes.  Then, after all that, they've ensured that said drink is as weak as it can be.  Thanks for going the extra mile, Legislature!  You've made the world safe for absolutely no one!

So, for 2 months every year during the regular session, my head explodes about once a week because someone has done something up on the Hill that just goes so far beyond the pale that it seems that it couldn't get worse. 

Then something like this happens: http://www.sltrib.com/ci_8246963

Every damn year, this guy gets reelected and I just don't understand why people out there think that's a good idea.  What in THE hell are they thinking?  My parents live in the city this asshat "represents."  I'm going to ask if they voted for him and if they did, I'm going to write them a very strongly worded letter.  Maybe I'll even shake my fist at them.  I don't know, I haven't decided yet.

There are so many worrisome things going on in our legislature right now that I can't even get into it.  I'd love to do it now, but my head really would explode; I have to go to work in a minute and I can't go to work with an exploded head.  Normally, I don't need my head to work, but I actually have crap to do today, so it would be useful to have it.