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Rise of the Machines

You guys, I totally forgot to tell you: We got a Roomba.  I think that, over the past three years, Joel has come to understand that I don't clean.  I mean, I will clean, but I let the mess get to, like, guy-gross proportions.  This is why Joel finally gave in and we are now the proud owners of a real-life robut.  Sure all it does is vacuum, but that's all I need it to do!  Plus, I'm hoping that one day we will be able to get Peanut to do something like this:

 

Would that not be awesome?  The answer is yes... wait, no?  What is the answer to that question?  In any case, I love the Roomba!  My new favorite thing is making Joel come and look at all of the dirt and hair and pet hair and dirt it picks up.  I had no idea, but Joel, Lucy, Peanut, and I are some dirty mo-fos.  I let it go about once a week and, MY GOD, it is gross how much it picks up!  You have to come see it so we can look at it and go, "EWWWW!" together.  Good times at Carrie's house, everybody.  Good times.

Things that are Awesome

I saw this thing months and months ago, but I don't think I ever posted it.  If I did, I'm sorry to repeat myself.  But I was reminded about it when I was looking at a site called the Daily What and I thought I should point you over to it, in case you haven't seen it before.  What is it?  Behold:

Bookstore WIN

Last night Joel and I went on our monthly trek to the bookstore to buy unnecessary books that we will probably look at once and never touch again until the next time we move and have to pack and unpack said unnecessary books.  This month's topic: Backyard Beekeeping.  Last month's topic: a book about planting gardens in Utah, which is probably really cool but also has been sitting under the bed after I finished flipping through it a month and a half ago.

Anyway, while Joel was deciding which book would be most helpful as he begins his journey into maybe, possibly keeping bees in the backyard someday, perhaps, I saw this:

Hee!  Awesome, right?  The only way it would have been better is if they had put the Bible section by the Mythical Studies section, where it belongs.  Oh, SNAP!  I said it!  Look at me.  I watched Religulous this weekend and now I'm dissing the Word of God.  What's next?  A Darwin fish on the back of my car?  Scribbling out "God" on all of our money and writing "Obama" in its place?  Becoming a Communist?!?  Where will I stop?  Next time, I'll have to make sure to get a lot of books about possibly, perhaps, maybe, someday becoming a real atheist. 

Until then: Just kidding, Jeebus!  Ha ha... ha?  Say hi to your dad!

Hey! I have a huge deadline in two days!

And I'm on here writing this instead of concentrating on writing an appeal brief!  Amazing, right?  WRONG!  I am nothing if not a master procrastinator.  I was going to make myself a certificate, but, well, I saw something shiny and got distracted and ended up eating some Girl Scout cookies instead.

So, there are a few things I'd like to discuss with you today.  First, our house is fantastic!  I love it and wish I had met it before I met Joel so I could have married it instead!  We're still getting settled in, but we're getting there.  I've invited some friends over for dinner in a couple of weeks, so that gives me a deadline.  A deadline that I will ignore until the very last minute until I am going crazy cleaning 15 minutes before they're supposed to get here and complaining about how this happens EVERY TIME and WHY do I even HAVE friends, in the first place?  I'm a horrible person!  No one should want to come to my house! 

Perhaps, one day, I will post pictures of the house.  Alas, that day is not today.  Sorry.  Suffice it to say, the wonderfulness of our house has brought some to tears... and this time it wasn't because of the weird odor.  It was because it was actually wonderful!

Secondly, I think we have a renter for our condo.  Finally.  I was so excited that she actually returned our rental application that I almost sent her flowers and a promise come tuck her in every night. 

Also, after some real soul searching, I have realized that the reason the condo hasn't rented yet is my big fat mouth.  Joel helpfully pointed this out to me on Sunday, after I told a prospective renter that, if he's lucky, he might get a front row seat to watch the cops hassle the homeless people hanging out across the street at the library.  Who doesn't want that?  I once saw a cop talking to a homeless dude and the dude whipped it out and started peeing on a wall right in front of the cop.  Amazing, right?  Not really a selling point, or so I've been told.

Next up: Tomatoes.  We are growing some tomato seedlings right now and I am peeing my pants because I'm so excited.  Every day, I go home and gaze at them lovingly just as if they were my own newborn children.  Every time a new sprout comes up, I make sure to tell it how happy it will be making me in about 3-4 months.  So, so happy, you guys.

In other news: I need to know where I can get a panda.  I think that God wants me to have one, because why else would he provide me a house that has a bamboo forest in the back yard?  Yes, the previous owners planted a bunch of bamboo because... who can say?  I have no Earthly idea.  But what I do know is this: Pandas eat bamboo.  It makes perfect sense to me, then, that we should get a panda.  However, apparently, pandas are pretty rare and hard to procure.  So, I think I will have to settle for this:

 
Hey! You got your dog in my panda!

Lastly, I have invented a new pseudo-swear.  The next time you're surrounded by children/grandparents/clients/Jesus, instead of dropping the F bomb, simply replace it with "firetruck".  Example: "What the firetruck?"  Or maybe: "Shut the firetruck up!"  It's pretty awesome, right?  Right?  Well, if you don't think so, you can go firetruck yourself.  See?  Awesome.

"There was alcohol involved..."

I said this at lunch today whilst recounting the story of when I met my friend Melanie's husband (who was her boyfriend at the time), Corey.  You see, Melanie introduced Corey to the group and I immediately piped up, "Hey Forrest!  Nice to meet you!"  After hearing this story, my co-workers looked at me and one asked, "How did you mistake 'Corey' for 'Forrest''?"  My answer?  "Well, there was alcohol involved."

And that got me thinking.  Do all of my interesting and/or funny stories have something to do with alcohol?  I know that anything happening prior to the age of 23 didn't, as I didn't take my first sip of alcohol until I was 23.  For instance, there was that one time I got lice from the beds at summer camp.  Or when I said the F-word and my mom found out and almost killed me.  Or... yeah, I don't have too many entertaining stories to tell from that period of my life.

Post-alcohol Carrie, though, seems to have a bevy of stories that delight and entertain audiences around the world!  That is, if my parents aren't in the audience; I don't think they'd be too delighted to hear some of these particular stories.

Like the time that I had come back to Utah after spending my last semester of law school in Las Vegas and I had gone to a party and I was cold, so I was (creepily) asking people to lay on top of me to keep me warm.  Hilarious!  Everybody loves that one!

Or when I went to visit a friend in Boise and conned my way into getting a free hot dog with the works from Sam the hot dog vendor!  Then, a couple of years later, seeing Sam on the streets of Boise again and getting ANOTHER free hot dog.  That is how charming I am when I'm a little lubricated, my friends.  (Also, big boobs don't hurt, as far as hot dog vendors go.)

Then, that one time in law school when I went to a party and ___________ and then I ___________ and then my friend fell off the porch and we all lost it.  (I left those blanks in there because you could pretty much fill them in with any number of crazy scenarios and you would have a pretty accurate account of any law school party I attended.)

Oooo!  Or when a couple of co-workers and I took the "fun" bus to Wendover (Nevada, about 1.5 hours from Salt Lake) and I won $450 playing craps.  Some guy, who was trying to pick me up, was putting down money for me and letting me keep all the chips.  This little excursion paid for a big chunk of my rent that month, in addition to allowing me to buy a very soft dark blue fake-fur coat, which still hangs in my closet to this day.  Good times, you guys. 

I could go on, but I don't want you to get the idea that I can only have fun if I have a couple of drinks.  Not true!  I was completely sober for my wedding, and that was the best day of my life!  I have fun every day at work and I'm never drunk there (for the most part)!  Kidding!  See?  I'm just as funny without a buzz on! 

However, I think that if you do ever get a chance to make some memories with Tipsy-Carrie, you should totally do it.  Drunk-Carrie is fun, too, but she can get a little messy... and handsy.  Yeah, just stick with Tipsy-Carrie and you should be on your way to some awesome stories of your very own.  YOU'RE WELCOME.

Just need to prime the pump a little.

Yeah, it seems like a million years since I posted anything.  What of it?  I've been busy, y'all.  Busy packing and hiring people to move my crap and hiring people to clean the place I've neglected cleaning for 3 months, and wishing we had not moved in the first place because it is totally cutting into my sitting around and drinking wine time.  L to the a-m-e, you guys.

So, I'm really going to try to post more.  I know what you're thinking, "But Carrie, as Yoda says, 'Do... or do not.  There is no try.'"  But Yoda also said, "Mudhole? Slimy? My home this is!"  Bitch lived in a slimy mudhole, and I'm supposed to listen to him?  Maybe if Yoda tried to clean his house it would be a little less of a slimy mudhole and then maybe some friends would come over to visit him and he'd stop talking all weird.

Speaking of slimy mudholes: Our new house is great!  I am planning on writing a post on the whole moving ordeal, but it will take some time for me to get it all out there.  Needless to say, I had no idea how much CRAP Joel and I have and, if I had known, we'd probably never have left that tiny condo!  Why do I have no less than 5 boxes of shoes?  Why have I moved these pictures from my trip to Niagra Falls in 1998 no less than 6 times throughout the years?  Is this entire box full of empty picture frames?  Did I actually pack and pay to store boxes and boxes of books given to me by my father for Christmas over the years?  Books that I have no interest in reading, but I've kept because they're from my dad and he thought enough to buy me a book about living with a neurotic dog because I... live with a neurotic dog.

Anyhoodle, I love you, readers (all 5 of you)!  I'll be back!

This Post Brought To You By:

Laziness.  I have been having trouble coming up with things to post about.  Possibly because there is a lot going on in my life and the lives of my loved ones right now and I don't really want to dredge it all up here.  This is a place for me to post about happy or frivolous things or poop.  So, when the Jive Turkey posted her answers to questions from Kristin, I thought: Instant post!  No real thinking involved!  Thanks Turkey!

Therefore, the following are the questions that JT sent me and my answers to said questions.  Enjoy! 

1) You have an unlimited budget to give one person an awesome, once-in-a-lifetime birthday gift. What do you get and who do you give it to?

This one was actually pretty easy.  My Grandma has always, always wanted to go visit Denmark.  She's really into genealogy (I am doing it, my genealogy-- sorry about that.  It's a holdover from my Mormon childhood wherein we would sing songs about researching our ancestors).  Her family is Danish and for as long as I can remembershe's talked about going there.  So, if I had an unlimited budget, I would pay for my entire family (including aunts, uncles, cousins-- probably close to 100 some odd people) to take a trip to Denmark and visit all the people and places my grandma has discovered through her lifetime of genealogical research.  
 
2) If you could go out and have a drink with one celebrity (living), who would it be and why?

Tina Fey.  Why?  I think we all know why.  I wouldn't even want to go out for a drink.  I'd want to sit on her couch and eat cheese and drink wine and make fun of people.  Can you imagine how awesome that would be?
 
3) What always - without fail - makes you laugh?

Family Guy.  I have never watched an episode that didn't make me come close to peeing my pants.  Also, fart jokes. 

4) If you could go back in time and tell one person to kiss your ass (presuming you haven't already told them as much), who would it be (and why, if you feel like sharing)?

Hmm... This is a hard one.  There are some people that I wish I would have told to kiss my ass, but instead I just got drunk and told them they had dumb hair (it made sense at the time).  I'm fine with letting that sleeping dog lie.

However, if I have to choose, I would go back to the day I got fired from the shittiest company in the world and let them know exactly what I thought of them and how much I hated working there, that their company sucked the life out of me and every day I dreaded going into work.  And then I would thank them because my life got so much better after I left.
 
5) If you could live one character's story (from a book, movie, or TV show), who would it be?

Elizabeth Bennett from Pride and Prejudice.  Or Hannah Montana.

Bernie Madoff Cannot Tell a Lie

Well, actually, I think we all know he can.  However, yesterday I saw a picture on Google News that caught my attention in that it made him look eerily like George Washington.

Happy Christmas, everyone!

From everyone here at Sparkerly, we hope you all have a wonderful Christmas (or whatever holiday you like)!  Just for fun, I think I've found the only known picture of Mrs. Claus, which I found while cleaning out my camera's memory card.

   

Merry Christmas, Bitches!

Christmas = Gettin' Crafty

So, every year around this time, I get the craft bug.  Last year I taught myself how to knit and crochet and I made a couple scarves that are now keeping the floor of my car very warm.  This year, I have been preoccupied with other things (Nazi Zombies) so I haven't really done anything-- but expect that to change in 5-7 days.  Well, probably more like 10 because in 7 days we will be celebrating the birth of Our Lord and, for some reason, the post office thinks they can take some days off.  Whatever mailman.

Anyway, this year I got one of my friends a book for Christmas called "Subversive Cross Stitch" and it looked like fun.  I mean, who wouldn't want this hanging on their wall?

 

This ain't your Granny's sampler.

So I went over to the author's website and ordered me some patterns.  This won't be my first time in the cross stitch rodeo, either.  Oh, no!  I have a long history of beginning cross stitch projects and then getting about halfway through them only to put them down, never to pick them up again.  However, I am ever hopeful that I will be so enamored of these patterns that I see them all through and will have some nice homey craft pieces to hang in our (as yet to be found and/or bought) new home.

What crafts do you like to start and then never finish?  I really want to know, you guys!