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Laziness.  I have been having trouble coming up with things to post about.  Possibly because there is a lot going on in my life and the lives of my loved ones right now and I don't really want to dredge it all up here.  This is a place for me to post about happy or frivolous things or poop.  So, when the Jive Turkey posted her answers to questions from Kristin, I thought: Instant post!  No real thinking involved!  Thanks Turkey!

Therefore, the following are the questions that JT sent me and my answers to said questions.  Enjoy! 

1) You have an unlimited budget to give one person an awesome, once-in-a-lifetime birthday gift. What do you get and who do you give it to?

This one was actually pretty easy.  My Grandma has always, always wanted to go visit Denmark.  She's really into genealogy (I am doing it, my genealogy-- sorry about that.  It's a holdover from my Mormon childhood wherein we would sing songs about researching our ancestors).  Her family is Danish and for as long as I can remembershe's talked about going there.  So, if I had an unlimited budget, I would pay for my entire family (including aunts, uncles, cousins-- probably close to 100 some odd people) to take a trip to Denmark and visit all the people and places my grandma has discovered through her lifetime of genealogical research.  
 
2) If you could go out and have a drink with one celebrity (living), who would it be and why?

Tina Fey.  Why?  I think we all know why.  I wouldn't even want to go out for a drink.  I'd want to sit on her couch and eat cheese and drink wine and make fun of people.  Can you imagine how awesome that would be?
 
3) What always - without fail - makes you laugh?

Family Guy.  I have never watched an episode that didn't make me come close to peeing my pants.  Also, fart jokes. 

4) If you could go back in time and tell one person to kiss your ass (presuming you haven't already told them as much), who would it be (and why, if you feel like sharing)?

Hmm... This is a hard one.  There are some people that I wish I would have told to kiss my ass, but instead I just got drunk and told them they had dumb hair (it made sense at the time).  I'm fine with letting that sleeping dog lie.

However, if I have to choose, I would go back to the day I got fired from the shittiest company in the world and let them know exactly what I thought of them and how much I hated working there, that their company sucked the life out of me and every day I dreaded going into work.  And then I would thank them because my life got so much better after I left.
 
5) If you could live one character's story (from a book, movie, or TV show), who would it be?

Elizabeth Bennett from Pride and Prejudice.  Or Hannah Montana.

Bernie Madoff Cannot Tell a Lie

Well, actually, I think we all know he can.  However, yesterday I saw a picture on Google News that caught my attention in that it made him look eerily like George Washington.

Happy Christmas, everyone!

From everyone here at Sparkerly, we hope you all have a wonderful Christmas (or whatever holiday you like)!  Just for fun, I think I've found the only known picture of Mrs. Claus, which I found while cleaning out my camera's memory card.

   

Merry Christmas, Bitches!

Christmas = Gettin' Crafty

So, every year around this time, I get the craft bug.  Last year I taught myself how to knit and crochet and I made a couple scarves that are now keeping the floor of my car very warm.  This year, I have been preoccupied with other things (Nazi Zombies) so I haven't really done anything-- but expect that to change in 5-7 days.  Well, probably more like 10 because in 7 days we will be celebrating the birth of Our Lord and, for some reason, the post office thinks they can take some days off.  Whatever mailman.

Anyway, this year I got one of my friends a book for Christmas called "Subversive Cross Stitch" and it looked like fun.  I mean, who wouldn't want this hanging on their wall?

 

This ain't your Granny's sampler.

So I went over to the author's website and ordered me some patterns.  This won't be my first time in the cross stitch rodeo, either.  Oh, no!  I have a long history of beginning cross stitch projects and then getting about halfway through them only to put them down, never to pick them up again.  However, I am ever hopeful that I will be so enamored of these patterns that I see them all through and will have some nice homey craft pieces to hang in our (as yet to be found and/or bought) new home.

What crafts do you like to start and then never finish?  I really want to know, you guys!

My Job: The gift that keeps on giving.

Just quickly: I got a good laugh this morning when I was reading through a file and a guy said that one of his previous jobs was "ass manager."  He got $8.50/hour for that job!  Where do I sign up?

My Eternal Struggle

What should I be for Halloween?  I was telling Joel last night, after watching the debate, that we should go as Mr. and Mrs. Joe 6-Pack.  He suggested that he go as "Joe the Plumber" (which isn't some clever name for a mafia hitman, unfortunately) and I go as "Josephine 6-Pack".  I think maybe "Josephine Boxed-Wine" would be more "me", though. 

All I Want For Christmas Are My Front Row Seats.

Neil Diamond is coming here in concert on December 19.  Just in case you are reading this and you happen to be my husband or a very, very, very, very generous friend who loves me very, very, very, very much, tickets to this concert might be at the very top of my Christmas wish-list! 

I've never seen him in concert and we all know how much I love him, don't we?  And I'm not the only one.  I can't remember a time when he has come to SLC and not sold out his concert.  People lurve him here and I can't say that I blame them.  He's freaking awesome.

So, anyway, I'm just, you know, putting that out there.  I haven't read The Secret, but I heard that that is all you have to do: tell the Universe what you want and it will come to you.  So, Universe, I had better find some tickets to Neil Diamond in my hot little hands the minute they go on sale.  If not, well, Universe, you'd better run because I'll be comin' to get you.  Don't test me, Universe.  I will cut a bitch if I have to.

What's Your Sign?

Ok, while I was at work "working" the other day, I came across this site, which generates church signs.   Have you seen this site?  Initially, I got very excited because I love pictures of funny stuff on church signs.  And here is a site that will let you put anything on a church sign.  ANYTHING.  Just imagine the possibilities!  Which is what I did... and I came up empty.  There were too many things running through my mind and, after about 10 minutes, this was the best I could come up with:

And then this weekend I was thinking about it and I thought this might be funny:

And then this morning I thought of this:

And then this:

 

And I'm spent.  That's the best I can do, you guys.  Now you know why I am a lawyer and not a "funny church sign writer."  But, if God really does answer prayers, my application to "funny church sign writers" school will be accepted and I can get the hell out of here.  Just imagine what I can achieve with a little training.  The results, I do believe, would be glorious.

 

 

The Trouble With Carrie

Oh, man, you guys.  I'm usually not one of those people.  You know, those people who see some exotic disease, like Tunesian Intestinal Crocodile Pox or something, on TV or the internet and become convinced that they are afflicted with it.  I mean, sure I've convinced myself I was pregnant a few hundred times-- but who hasn't done that?  However, my job has made me into one of those people.  Big time.

My firm helps people with social security disability claims, so a huge part of the job to go through records with a fine tooth comb to make sure that we have every little detail so we can make every argument possible.  We get people with a lot of different physical problems or mental problems or, most of the time, both physical and mental combined.

I'll be reading through records about epilepsy, not the kind where you have grand mal seizures or anything, the kind where you just kind of space out for a while.  Then I start thinking about how often I come to after a few minutes of staring at my computer with my mouth hanging open and I convince myself that I've also got epilepsy.  Instead of what I really have, which is a staggering case of mouthbreathing and office boredom.

The worst is the mental disorders, though.  Over the past 8 months, I've had ADD, ADHD, schizophrenia, bi-polar.  You name it, I've talked myself into it.  The only problem with this is that I actually do have some issues with depression/anxiety.  Actually, right now I think I have an adjustment disorder with anxiety, but I have yet to actually speak with any medical professional about this diagnosis I've made for myself, so right now we'll say it's just a provisional fake diagnosis. 

Anyway, to help with my mental state, I take medication.  But this has kind of become problematic because sometimes my clients, the ones with pretty bad psychological or psychiatric problems, are taking the same medication as I am.  Sure, they take like 5 times the dosage I do, but that doesn't make a difference to me.  They take this medication, they have a personality disorder, ergo, I have a personality disorder.  It makes perfect sense, right?

By now I'm sure you're thinking to yourself that I actually do have a mental disorder, which is fine because I think that, too!  It's called "somatoform disorder" and I have totally read about it on Wikipedia, so I'm pretty sure that's what I've got.  Either that or Cat Scratch Fever.  We're still waiting for the results on that one.

Bloggy Style

That title has nothing to do with anything, really, I just thought it was funny.  No?  Go figure. Usually I'm right on about stuff like that.

Aaaanyway... After my week off to study last week, I got back to work and decided that I should probably keep studying.  So that's what I've been doing.  I got really scared because I was doing some multiple choice questions and I was only getting around 40%, which is way less than you need to pass.  However, last night I was up to 62%, which is right where I need to be.  Let's just hope that I can keep that up. 

Two weeks and it will be over and I'll be able to get back to my busy schedule of watching reality shows on Bravo.  Project Runway just started again!  Didn't they just finish the last one?  I think if I was the winner of one of those shows, I'd be pissed because they just keep rolling out the hot! new! designers! (or models! or chefs! or monkey trainers!)  Do we need 15 Next Top Models every year?  Hell to the No!  Please, reality show producers, let America cherish their precious quasi-celebrities before you throw them to the side of the road

In other news, this morning I went to get my car washed and there was another car in the wash while I was paying.  I rolled down my window and leaned out to put my money in and I got a face full of spot-free rinse!  It didn't taste very good, but I'm pretty sure I won't have any unsightly streaks all over my face.  One less thing to worry about, right?  I kind of feel like I'm covered in plastic.  It's not a bad feeling, per se, just a little weird.

Yes, ok, I've got to go do some work.  I really do apologize about the randomness of this post, but I can't seem to keep a thought in my head long enough to form a sentence about it let alone an entire blog post!  Just give me a couple of weeks and I'm all yours!