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Say What? Commercial Edition

Last night, Joel and Carrie relaxing after Joel gets home from the airport:

Carrie: Joel, while you were gone I saw this commercial for these nuts, like honey roasted cashews or something?

Joel: Wow.  That's great.  Thanks for sharing.

Carrie: No, really.  So, they talk about how they make the nuts and how they're all natural and stuff and at the end they say, "That makes for one extraordinary nutsack."

Joel: What?  Nutsack?  Really?

Carrie:  I know!  Can you believe that?  Isn't that awesome?  Ha!  Now, if only I knew what kind of nuts they were.  I'd totally go buy some just because they said 'nutsack.'

This afternoon, after Carrie had to quit studying or else she would hurl herself off her balcony into the garbage dumpster that quaintly sits 4 floors below:

Joel: This is Joel.

Carrie: Hey baby.

Joel: What's wrong?

Carrie: Well, you remember last night when I told you about those nuts?  The nutsack commercial?

Joel: Yeah, nutsack, I remember.

Carrie: I was just folding the laundry and watching TV and that commercial came on again...

Joel: So?

Carrie: "Nut snack."  They said "extraordinary nut snack."  I'm so disappointed.

Joel: Um... is that all?  Because I'm kind of at work.

Carrie: I just liked it so much better when it was "nutsack."  It made so much sense!  It was so daring!

Joel: Buck up, baby.  I'll be home soon.  You can tell me all about it.

Carrie: {sigh} Yeah, ok.  Later.

Say What?: Stuff I've Said Edition

Joel: So, I was really interested in how Obama was going to respond to that stuff his former pastor said. This presidential election looks like it’s going to be really interesting, huh?

Carrie: Uh-huh. Hey, you know the part of your arm where your elbow bends? Like, the inside of that? What’s that called?

Joel: What? Were you even listening to —

Carrie: No, really? What’s it called? Your "elbow crease"? Because I think it should be called your "elbow pit."

Joel: "Elbow pit." That doesn’t even make any sense.

Carrie: Well, you call the place under your shoulder an "armpit" and then you call the back of your knee a "knee pit," so why not an "elbow pit"?

Joel: Nobody calls it a "knee pit."

Carrie: Yes, people do! I know I’ve heard someone say "knee pit."

Joel: Well, then, you’re hearing things... again. This is like that time when you were convinced you could meet your daily requirements of fruit by drinking Koolaid.

Carrie: No, I didn’t! It was jello shots, loser. All I know is, I had 5 servings watermelon jello shots a day and I didn’t get scurvy.  It's science, Joel, It can’t be refuted. You’re probably right about the Koolaid, though. I didn’t even think about that.

Joel: Yeah, I’m the loser. Watermelon wouldn’t even keep you from getting scurvy.  God.  I'm starting to re-think this whole "'til death do we part" thing.

Carrie: Hey, man, you married me of your own free will and there are no takesies backsies. You lost that receipt and you can’t make returns without it. So, sack up, JB, ‘cause you’re in for the long haul.

Joel: So, "elbow pit," huh? I think that’s fantastic.

Carrie: I know, right? I am certifiable genius.

Joel: You’re definitely certifiable.

Carrie: Thanks, baby! You’re pretty smart, yourself! Hey, do we have any Koolaid?  Why are you looking at me like that?

Say what?

Things people have actually said to me:

Scene 1: A tailor’s shop in Salt Lake. The tailor and another older guy are shooting the shit as I walk in. I have a gigantic cold sore, so I look just really fantastic.

Me: I need to have the zipper fixed on these pants, please.
Tailor: Sure thing.
Old guy: You’re really pretty.
Me: Um... thanks?
Old guy: Did a dog bite your face?
Me: What the– oh, no, it’s just a cold sore.
(Awkward silence)
Tailor: Ok! Those will be done on Tuesday! Have a great day!
Old guy: jibber jab bloop bleep blah (I didn’t hear what he said because I was too busy thinking about whether it really looked like a dog bit my face and, Jesus, who says stuff like that?)

Scene 2: A birthday party for one of Joel’s aunts, a few months after we started dating. I’m being introduced to one of Joel’s uncles.

Joel: Carrie, this is my Uncle and his Daughter
Uncle: Well, don’t you two just make a handsome couple.
Me: Thanks so much! That’s so ni-
Uncle: How old are you?
Me: Me? I’m, um, 30.
Uncle (to Daughter): See, honey! You’ve got nothing to worry about! She’s 30!
Uncle (to me): She thinks she’s an old maid because she’s 26. She’s afraid she’s never going to get married!
Me: ...
Joel (stifling a laugh, poorly): Um, yeah, well, it was great seeing you Uncle!
Me: ...

Scene 3: Job interview with a nutritional supplement company.

Boss: So, we make all kinds of supplements here.
Me (ever the eager beaver): Really? That’s great! I love to supplement my nutrition whenever I can!
Boss: Yeah, we do some weight loss pills, those sell great. We also do a lot of skin care for acne or other problems.
Me: That’s wonderful! I know a lot of people who have used (product X) and say it’s great!
Boss: That is a good one. We’ve also got a cream for people who have dark circles under their eyes– kind of like the ones you have.
Me: Oh, really? I guess maybe I need to try that one! Ha ha... ha?

Now, you might be thinking: Jeez, how does Carrie get up in the morning when she knows she’s going to face a barrage of insensitive people who will just say things that humiliate her and make her want to never go outside again? Well, I do it so I’ll have crap to write on my blog. In short, I do it for you. YOU’RE WELCOME!

I’ll have to make this a semi-regular segment, because people say a lot of dumb things to me and I never forget anything. Ever. Also, since I say a lot of dumb stuff to people, I can probably throw in a couple of those gems as well.