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Purity Balls {Insert Dirty Joke Here}

(First, some business: Kristin is the ONLY person who gave me a list of all of the misspelled words in my previous entry.  Thus, Kristin wins a fabulous prize which is: a $25 gift certificate to Amazon.com!  Congratulations for spotting all of the wrong words and making them right.  So, next time I say I'm a-gonna give a prize, y'all better step up because you know I'm serious as a heart attack.  Kristin, if you will please e-mail me the best e-mail address where I can send your fabulous prize, you will get it forthwith!)

Now let's get down to brass tacks.  This weekend we were watching something on TLC and we saw a commercial for a show called Purity Balls.  (I've been trying to think of something good and dirty to add on to this title, but I must have killed a few too many brain cells at the election party I went to last night.  Thanks a lot OBAMA!  No, really, because I can only imagine how much I would have had to drink to console myself if McCain had actually pulled it off.  I apologize for failing you, but would also love to hear if you can come up with something for me.)

Ok, here's the thing: I totally DVR'd that shit and watched it last night.  Sweet hairy Jesus that was creeeeeepy.  Basically, it was about a "movement" in America ("real America" as my friend Sarah P. would say) wherein fathers pledge to protect their daughters' virginity and the daughters pledge to keep it in their pants until their wedding day.  Not only that, but they won't even KISS until after they're married!!  They celebrate this pledge with a full on ball where the girls get all dressed up and dance around with their dad's like they're at some kind of Appalachian prom.

One of the fathers said something like, "How cool would it be if you could say, 'I've kissed but one man in my life.'"  Um... it would totally be NOT COOL.  When questioned about what she would do if she got married and found out that she didn't like how her husband kissed, the girl (age 13, I think) said "Oh, I'm sure I'll like it.  I know he'll be a really good kisser."  Or something along those lines.  The good thing is, she'll never know if he's not a good kisser because she won't have anything to compare it with. 

Another girl said that she and her FIANCE didn't even hold hands (and avoided any other physical touching) because it would be distracting and would keep them from getting to know eachother's hearts.  Whaaaa?  She was very sincere when she said it, too, but it was that kind of "Oh, look at how pure and holy I am!" sincerity that drives me absolutely insane.  Because Jesus cares if you and your future husband fucking held hands before you were joined in holy matrimony.  Finger banging?  Probably not approved by our Lord.  But I'm pretty sure there's nothing in the Bible that forbids holding hands.

I've been trying to figure out why this bothers me so much, but I can't exactly put my finger on it.  It seemed to me that this wasn't something that the daughters came to themselves, it was the fathers making this choice for their daughters.  They look like they're teaching their daughters how God wants them to remain "pure," but at the heart of it, they're trying desperately to remain in control of their place at the center of their daughters' world.  Little girls adore their fathers and these fathers are using those feelings to take any actual choice out of the equation.  The girls don't even think about dating unless their father inspects and approves of the man.  It seems that most of them didn't date at all unless they felt they would be marrying the person a few months after meeting them.  They're trying so hard to live up to the promises they made to their fathers that they're not really making a choice for themselves, they're making it for their father and I think that, down the road, it's a decision they're going to regret.

If you want, click here and you can see some clips, but I would encourage you to try to find it on TLC and watch it yourself.

How do I say this delicately?

I hate The motherfucking Hills.  I am trying to surf my morning blogs and all I can hear in my office is people talking about last night's episode.  In case you're wondering, I work in a law office and not at Hot Topic or some kiosk in the mall that sells fake hair/handbags/weird crab "pets".  The people having this conversation are parents,  you guys.  They are raising the next generation of extremely superficial and vacuous Americans.  

Really, how much longer will I have to put up with these people?  And by "these people" I mean all people "starring" on The Hills and all people who actually watch and LIKE it.  I've almost completely stopped reading US Weekly and I have to skip every other post at Perez Hilton because they won't shut up about LC or Brody or Heidi or Spencer or BobbyDanny (what's that guy's name?) or Audrina.  It makes me want to cry that I even know their names.  I've never seen more than 10 seconds of any episode and I know them all.  Why???

I'm not trying to say that my taste in entertainment is superior to those people who like this show... No, actually I am.  That's exactly what I'm saying.

More Fall TV Nonsense

Hello, again, faithful reader.  This is a follow-up to my previous post about the new Fall television season.  My last post dealt with new TV shows that I had seen and liked or meh'd.  This one will deal, mainly, with shows that I think you should be watching because they are awesome.

First, for Melly, my thoughts on Kath & Kim.  I had high hopes for this show, but I have to say, I wasn't too impressed with it.  I am going to give it a couple of weeks because I think it might take that long for the actors to really get into the swing of things, but the first episode went over like a lead balloon in Carrie and Joel's house. Molly Shannon has never been my favorite, but she can be funny sometimes.  My main concern is Selma Blair because I honestly don't think she is smart enough or good enough to convincingly play dumb.  It is one of the hardest things to do and not everyone call pull it off.  The only reason Paris Hilton can do it is because she really is THAT DUMB.  Final verdict: the jury's still out.

In the immortal words of my nephew Connor:

"I hate the sun!  It burns your eyes when you look at it!"  It should not be morning already!  I am so tired, you guys, and for no obvious reason!  We went to bed at the normal time.  I got up at the normal time.  But, still, yaaaaawwwn.

Nothing much has been going on with me this week, but my DVR is starting to quickly become filled to the brim with Season Premier goodness.  After what seems like an eternity of re-runs and crappy reality/game shows, the 2008 TV season has finally begun and I am peeing my pants with excitement.  For your convenience, I will now make a list of shows you should be watching and shows that you can watch if you want to, but I'm not going to watch them anymore because I'm sick and fucking tired of Meredith and Derek breaking up and getting back together.  Also, I hate Katherine Heigl.

I'm Calling Shenanigans!

I was going to write about this yesterday, but I got busy at work, so I didn't have time.  By "busy" of course, I mean my boss e-mailed that picture with a bunch of bands represented by pictures (like two U's were supposed to be... The Two U Band, of course.  Duh!) and I had to spend time trying to figure out what was what.  It was kind of funny because I work with a bunch of people who fancy themselves music connoisseurs, so I'd get something and they'd all be like, "Um, yeah, we got that one when we were all a bunch of fetuses.  Keep up!"  On with the show!

American Idol on Tuesday was F awesome, you guys.  This week's mento was Neil Diamond!  All of the contestants sang Diamond songs!  I loved it!  Although, I'm surprised that no one chose to sing "Girl, You'll be a Woman Soon," which is one of my favorites.  No one sang "Cherry Cherry", either, which was disappointing.  I love that song.  Or "Cracklin' Rosie".  Jesus, they totally wasted it!

My favorites for the night were David Archuleta and Jason Castro's first song, because the second song sucked ass.   David Cook sang two songs with which I am unfamiliar, but he sang them both really well.  I think he's totally either going to win or be in the final two.  He is really good! 

I like David Archuleta because he is super cute and he can sing like the dickens!  His second song choice was "Coming to America" and Joel said he thought that was a horrible choice.  I was like, "We'll see, Joel.  We'll just see about that."  And then I rubbed my hands together and laughed maniacally.  It wasn't as weird as it sounds, really.  So, I wasn't surprised when he took that song and kicked it's a-s-s.  I even asked Joel if he would mind if I had David Archuleta's singing babies, and the song was so good, Joel said that if I didn't, he would. 

I don't like Brooke White or Syesha Mercado all that much, so I didn't really pay too much attention to them.  From what I saw, meh.  They're good, I guess, but Syesha needs to stop acting her songs so much.  It bugs me.  And Brooke always sounds like she's on the verge of tears when she starts singing.  I always felt sorry for her, because at the beginning of the finals this year, they'd show her support crew in the audience and it would always say, "Brooke's Family and Friend."  Like she only had one friend.  Poor Brooke!  Only one friend!  Even I have two friends (not counting my husband, he's legally bound to be my friend).  Then, when they showed everyone on Tuesday, it said "Brooke's Husband and Family" or something like that.  What?  I knew she had a huge rock on her finger, but I didn't know she was married!  Now, she doesn't have any friends!  I guess it was kind of appropriate that she sang "I am, I said" because the lyrics are basically about her friendless life. 

Everyone sang two songs and they waited until all 5 had finished their first before they let the judges say anything about it.  They lined them all up on stage, like it was some kind of execution, and the judges went at it.  Randy got through all of his critiques without too much drama; he was very efficient with his "dawgs" and "Yo, I just wasn't feelin' it tonight."  Nothing too exciting, really.

Then came Paula.  Everything started well, she gave Jason Castro her thoughts on his first song, the only song he had sung thus far.  And then?  Then she gave him critique on his second song.  A song that he had yet to sing.  A song that he wouldn't be singing for a few minutes.  I noticed Ryan looking off-stage with a confused look on his face.  Simon was smirking, but this is to be expected because that's all he does when Paula talks.  Then Ryan, I think, jumped in and said that they'd only sung one song tonight and what the hell was she talking about.  To which Paula responds, "You only sang one song?  I thought you did two?  Whhaaaaat?" 

Now, don't jump to any conclusions: Paula was NOT DRUNK!  Paula doesn't drink!  She's never been drunk!  Well, if she wasn't drunk, I want some of what she was smoking, because, damn.  That's some messed up shit right there.  Some have suggested that she took notes during rehearsal and she was just reading from those.  Well, she should still have had the wherewithal to know that, regardless of the fact she saw him sing two songs 4 hours before, he had only sung one song 20 minutes before she started talking!  Does she have no concept of time?

Personally, I choose to believe that she had time-traveled 15 minutes to the future, saw Jason's performance, and then leapt back to the present so she could warn him that he was about to suck major ass.  Because he totally did.  His second song sucked harder than Paris Hilton on a first date.  Paula tried to warn him, but he didn't listen!  Why would he, though?  She wears the crazy pants in that threesome and there's usually no reason to listen to anything she says.

He got through it, though, and Brooke was sent home to her friendless apartment, where no one can hear her at all, not even her chair.  Poor, friendless Brooke.  I love how they make the losers sing, Brooke especially because she was crying through the whole thing.  And she messed up the beginning and expected them to start over (because that's what they've done for her TWICE this season), but they didn't and she had to fumble to the next line.  Then, when she sang the line "leaving me lonely, still" and David Cook tried to pull her towards him and she didn't go and it was all awkward.  Awesome.

Be sure to tune in next week, when Paula will go into a trance and predict the end of the world, spin around in her chair, and disappear in a puff of smoke.  And there will be much rejoicing from Simon and all will be right with the world.  Amen. 

An Open Letter to Janice Min, Editor in Chief of US Magazine

Dear Ms. Min:

First let me say that I love your magazine.  I buy it almost every week.  I won't get a subscription because then I wouldn't get it until the Monday after it comes out and I can't wait that long to read it!  I would see it there on the stands every Saturday and Sunday, taunting me with its juicy stories that I couldn't read for two more days.  That would be absolute torture.  So, I've spent $3.50 every week since that weekend in 2003, when I fell in love with US after the frame-by-frame breakdown of Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me a River" video to show the readers exactly how Justin was outing Britney as a common whooore.  Man, that was awesome.

However, my feelings have started to change in the past few months.  I still look to US every week to give me the shiny, flashy, informative celebrity gossip that I have come to know and trust... but it's not the same.  This is mainly because, for some reason, you keep putting Lauren Conrad, Heidi Montag, or Spencer Pratt (or some unholy combination thereof) on the cover.  Whenever I see anything about "The Hills" or any of its "stars" on the cover of US, I refuse to buy it.

I don't want to read about how LC felt betrayed by something something something.  I DON'T CARE whether Spencer and Heidi "broke up" or if they are just "taking a break."  I wish they would break up with the human race and take a break from the EARTH because they are a complete waste of our time and attention.  What do they do that merits being on the cover of any major weekly magazine?  Let alone one that purports to write about celebrities.

As a celebrity weekly magazine, you should be focusing on celebrities.  (Using that term loosely, this would include Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, but I'm not too happy about that, either.)  What has anyone from The Hills ever done except appear on a "reality" show about... God, what's it even about?  Lauren Conrad fake-working at a fake-job and talking about her fake-problems and her "rivalries" with a number of other people who are also taking part in this fake reality.  I mean, who really has arch-enemies?  Who?  Besides comic book superheroes, that is.  So, until Lauren Conrad is battling Heidi Montag in a death match to save the planet from horrible music videos or overpriced jersey garbage sack dresses,I don't want to hear about it!

Furthermore, I understand that you are trying to market your magazine to those youngsters who do like this show, but you shouldn't.  I am exactly the person who you want to buy your magazine.  I'm still fairly young-- I'm only 32!-- and I have loads of disposable income.  I want to buy crap from your advertisers!  Especially all of those weight-loss pills at the back of the magazine.  Those look like they work fantastically!  I can lose 40 pounds in one week?  It must be true because they printed it right there!  Sign me up!  (And THAT should make you realize that I believe anything I read.  Thus, I  am the perfect reader and you should be courting me.) 

So, please, please, please, pleeeaaaasssseee stop putting anything or anyone related to "The Hills" on the cover of your magazine.  I wouldn't begrudge you a small piece on the inside, one that I can skip over fairly easily, but ENOUGH with the cover!  I will hold you responsible if I have to gouge my eyes out because I can't stand to look at Spencer Pratt's poor attempt at a white man's 'fro one more time.  Also, we'll be sending you the bills for the mental hospital when I go nut-balls crazy because I have to see yet another story about how poor Heidi had to get plastic surgery to feel better about the fact that she was born chestily-challenged.  Seriously.

"But," you say, "we put other reality stars on the cover!  Like Tori Spelling!"  Oh, Janice.  Tori Spelling was Donna FREAKING Martin!  She deserves to be on the cover because she waited so long before she gave her precious flower to David Silver.  And she's got some skeletons in her closet what with the adultery and leaving her first husband for her current husband even though her parents spent over $1,000,000 on their wedding and she had a baby and then lost weight and now is pregnant again.  Not to mention the fact that her father was richer than God, but she couldn't seem to get a good boob job.  What's that about?  See!  That's newsworthy!

Also, I'm kind of getting annoyed with you acting like you're so above it all when you point out how the other gossip rags got it all wrong.  This is mainly with stories about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt when you put other magazine's covers in your magazine and point out how they are sooo wrong and they just print lies, lies, lies.  It just makes you look petty.

Also also, I don't believe that Stars are just like me.  "They shop for boots!"  Well, yes, I do shop for boots, but I'm usually doing it at Payless or Big Lots and they cost a hell of a lot less than anything Lindsay Lohan is buying.  Now, if you had a picture of Lindsay Lohan eating an entire pizza in one sitting?  Then I would believe she was just like me.  Until then, please stop patronizing me.

Finally, I don't want to quit you, US magazine.  There are many places I can get my Hollywood gossip but I'm pretty loyal, so I'll stick with you, but don't push it.  Even I have my breaking point.  Here's a little advice: If you get stuck and can't find a good story, just go to Perez Hilton like everyone else.  He's bound to have something you can use.  You're welcome.

Love,
Carrie

I bet he gets really tired of saying "Aaaayyyy".

I've been hearing a lot about "Autorama," which is being held this weekend at a convention center in Sandy (about 10 miles from Salt Lake).  One of the main attractions of this exposition is a "Happy Days Reunion with Henry Winkler and Cindy Williams."  This just makes me sad.

When I was growing up, "Happy Days" was probably past its prime, really, but I still loved it.  I think we watched it before it ended its original run, but I know we watched it in syndication.  A lot.  And one of the best parts was The Fonz.  How can you not love The Fonz?  He is one of the most memorable and recognizable TV characters ever!  And now he's coming to an Autorama near you!  Poor The Fonz.  What happened?

I mean, I guess Henry Winkler's got to pay his bills, too, but couldn't he just go on Dancing with the Stars like every other washed-up hack actor out there?  If Steve Sanders can do it, Fonzie, you can too!  Aren't there some horrible made for TV movies you could direct?  No?  Celebrity Rehab?  Ok, that's probably worse than Autorama, but my point is: you've got options.  Never before has there been more crap for former and unexplainable (Paris Hilton, I'm looking at you) celebrities to do in order to make a little extra cash.  You're just not trying hard enough!

And it's not just you, Fonz.  It's Shirley fucking Feeny, too.  I guess things didn't work out with Carmine, eh, Shirl?  Heh.  Now, I can understand her downfall a bit more than I can the Fonz's because, honestly, Shirley was really the less talented half of that duo.  Laverne's been able to make a second career directing schmaltzy movies; what has Shirley done?  Actually, kind of a lot.  But still, isn't there some kind of fund for former stars of beloved shows from my childhood?  If not, could we start one so Gary Coleman won't have to sell any more pairs of pants on eBay?

Light bulb!  We could have people adopt old stars like they do starving children in Africa.  Sally Struthers could both do the commercials and she could get adopted, as well!  And they could all be in the commercials, sadly watching re-runs of the shows that made them famous and eating cold cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  How could people refuse?  That's just it, they couldn't. 

My work here is done.  You're welcome, Fonzie.  You're welcome.

I got nothing.

You know what I've been doing lately?  Nothing.  I haven't made any posts since... what, Tuesday?  I guess that's only one day, but it feels like forever!  I haven't really been doing anything, though, so there's not really anything to write about.  So, I'll just tell you about my day yesterday because I know you want to hear all about it.

Yesterday I had a dentist appointment (no cavities!) before work and when they were cleaning my teeth, they used this sandblasting stuff and it got all over my face.  Afterward, my face was all gritty and they had to give me a warm wet-wipe thing to clean up with.  This was especially horrible because I happen to have a huge zit planet on my chin right now, and I basically had to wipe off all of my make-up after the sandblasting.  Great, now everyone knows I'm not perfect!

While I was waiting for the dentist, I heard him talking to another patient about... American Idol.  Is that weird?  I thought it was a little weird because my dentist is not, in actuality, a teenage girl.  He is a billion years old and bald and pudgy.  I guess American Idol really spans the age demographics, huh?  Then, when he finally came over to me, he poked around in my mouth and said, "OK, looks good.  Now swallow and get out of here."  If only I had a nickle for every time I've heard that.

Then I was busybusybusy at work doing boring things that make me want to wander into the street without looking both ways first.  After work, I had about 20 minutes to eat dinner before I had to go over to a law clinic where I volunteer sometimes.  The clinic is for people who have family law questions, mostly about divorce and custody.  Most of the time it makes me sad because people are so. screwed. up.  Lord.

By the time I got home for the night, it was after 8 and you know what I did?  I watched American Idol.  And then I called my dentist so we could discuss it.  Not really, but I did watch the whole 2 hour show in about 35 minutes (Thanks, DVR!) because there is sooooo much crap on that show, you guys!  Like all the singing!  HA! 

My favorite part is when Simon says something and the whole audience just automatically boos him, no matter whether what he said was true or not.  It's awesome.  I watch about 3 seconds of the song and then speed it to the end where Randy "dawgs" and "pitchys" his way through a "critique"; then Paula speaks some language that kind of sounds like English, but none of the words coming out of her mouth make any kind of sense; and then Simon acts like a total a-hole, but at least he's honest about it and I kind of dig him for it.

And then I went to bed and slept like a damn baby, waking up refreshed and ready to face another day of absolutely nothing.  And there you have it!

True Love

Friends, today I want to talk to you about true love.  Don't worry, I won't bore you with another sappy story about me and my husband.  Nobody wants to hear that!  No, this story is about love at first sight.  It was one of those things where I just knew, from the minute we met, that we'd be together forever and I couldn't believe I had ever lived without... my DVR.

I'm serious about this, you guys.  I love my DVR and I know that it loves me back.  It's always there for me, even if it's 3:00 a.m. and I'm in the mood for a little "Murder, She Wrote" (which is often the case), I'll be able to turn it on and bask in the warmth of its pre-taped, commercial skipping goodness. 

Thank you, DVR.  If I thought I could kiss you without electrocuting myself or getting a strange look from the Husband, I'd be all over your action.  Without you, I'd probably never get to see "The Daily Show" or "The Colbert Report."  You make that happen, DVR.  I remember with horror the pre-DVR days when I had to video tape stuff.  It was so complicated and annoying!  But, I don't have to worry about that with you.  With the press of one little button, I know that I'll have every episode of "Project Runway" until I can watch it at my leisure.  It makes me feel so safe.

Now, I know we've had some rocky times.  Like, when I wanted to save all of those episodes of "Boston Legal" and you were deleting them even though I set them as "I Delete."  That was really rough, but we made it through.  I couldn't even get mad at you when you didn't tape that episode of "House" after the Super Bowl because the game went too long.  That was all my fault.  I should have known that you wouldn't know the difference!  I'm sure they'll re-run it sometime soon.  And you know what?  When they do?  I know you'll tape it for me.  Because that's what you do.

Some people may say, "Jesus, Carrie, maybe you should try to not watch so much TV."  Well, those people can just stow it!  How dare they question our love!  I never thought I'd say this to any electronic recording device, but... you complete me, DVR.