So, it’s snowing. Again. It’s times like these that I just cannot stand living in Utah. It is February, it’s been cold for a million months already, and, according to that bastard of a groundhog in Pennsylvania, it’s going to be cold for about a million more. It’s enough to make me want to get in my snow covered car and drive until I see some palm trees and the thermometer gets above 50 degrees. Hell, I’d even take 40 degrees at this point.
I’ve read all of the literature about global warming. Ok, that’s a lie. I watched An Inconvenient Truth (and I didn’t even fall asleep!). So, I think I know all about it. The polar icecaps? They are MELTING. The penguins in all of those movies (live “action” and animated) will soon have to grow some gills or learn to like serving tropical drinks, because they are going to be screwed if they don’t. I know that if this trend continues, it will end in a catastrophe the likes of which have never been seen outside of a Michael Bay movie. Global warming is bad! If you don’t do something to reduce your carbon footprint, you should just go out and kick some puppies, because it’s basically the same thing.
However, I don’t care. Nope. Call me crazy, but I’d like a little global warming up in here. Can global warming make it so my car isn’t buried in 3 feet of snow every morning? Can it make it so I don’t have to carve a path in a glacier so my dog can find a place to pee? If so, I’d like global warming to come on over for a nice long visit. Would global warming like some lemonade? Of course it would! It’s really parched!
Now, before you start, I understand the implications of the melting icecaps and the sea level rising and the horrible storms and locusts and frogs falling from the sky. I really do. But, I’m a horrible person and I’m selfish and I just don’t really care about anything but my own comfort. If you know me in real life, you can back me up on this. I suck and I don’t care about much else but myself and a few other important people in my life, like Jack Daniels. (Like I've said before, I’m really more of a gin girl, but I couldn’t think of a gin with a person’s name.)
I don’t want to get all bundled up to go outside and take out the trash! I don’t want to worry about breaking my neck when I go out to get the mail! I have a hard enough time not falling down when the ground is dry. I don’t need nature to make some kind of icy obstacle course for me. I don’t want to have to wear boots to dig out my car and then bring another pair of shoes in my bag so I don’t look like some yeti when I get to my office. I have cute shoes and this weather is seriously impeding my ability to show them off!
And that is what’s really important, isn’t it? I get really sick of just wearing those cute pony skin cheetah print pumps around my house. And, believe me, my husband gets just as sick of me prancing around and ordering him to compliment my taste in footwear. Plus, he just doesn’t put as much heart into it as my girlfriends, so it’s really not as fulfilling. At least he tries, though, god love him.
All that being said, I do hope that the earth doesn’t turn into some gigantic ball of lava, sentencing us all to die a horrible firey death. But right about now I would give my left ovary for it to just stop snowing for one damn minute. If it doesn’t, I’d better go now, because I have a long drive ahead of me and I’ve got to go pack up all my shoes.
