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My Job: The gift that keeps on giving.

Just quickly: I got a good laugh this morning when I was reading through a file and a guy said that one of his previous jobs was "ass manager."  He got $8.50/hour for that job!  Where do I sign up?

Did you know?

That Idaho's governor is named C.L. "Butch" Otter?  I think that's pretty hilarious.

Did you further know that I have won all three of the hearings I've done so far?  I am beyond happy about that!  I've always been a bit afraid that I wouldn't do a very good job on hearings because I am absolutely terrified of things like that.  Well, unless I have a couple drinks in me.  Then I'm all over the public speaking.  Need a toast at a wedding or special event?  Give me a couple of shots of Jaeger and let me go!  I will blow your mind.

Really, though, I don't know why doing hearings or, god forbid, a trial in an actual courtroom scare me so much.  I get really nervous beforehand and I can't stop thinking about everything that could go wrong and, even though I do try to focus on other things, there's always that voice in the back of my head that whispers that I'm going to screw it all up or say something just ridiculously stupid.  This is what a therapist I saw once called "self-defeating behavior."  I went to this therapist because it was free (through the Utah Bar) and I never went again because he had a pony-tail and his office smelled like incense.  So, I can blame my poor mental health on my hatred of all things hippy!

From what I can see, a lot of people are nervous before stuff like this.  My boss, for instance, who is extremely smart and an amazing attorney, had an oral argument at the federal court a couple of weeks ago and she was scared for all the same reasons I'm scared and she's been doing this for 15 years!  At the argument, though, she seemed calm and collected and she totally kicked ass!  She had done all of her homework and she practiced and she was prepared to go in and convince the judge to see things her way-- and she did!

That's what I'm trying to do with my hearings and I guess it's worked out pretty well so far.  I don't know what I'm going to do when I have multiple hearings on one day, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it (on October 2).  Right now, though, I have to admit to being kind of proud of myself and really happy that I've been able to help these 3 people get the help they need.  I know I'm not going to win them all, but I will be damned if we lose because I haven't done the work I'm supposed to do.

If only it was acceptable to take a shot of something before stuff like this.  On second thought, I don't know that "drunken Carrie, who thinks she's soooooo funny" would provide the best representation available.  There is a time and a place for everything: Drunk Carrie at a party?  Most def.  Drunk Carrie at any kind of proceeding wherein it isn't appropriate to say "fuck"?  Not so much.  So, I'll just stick with the "prepare, prepare, prepare" method I mentioned earlier.

The Beauty of Bureaucracy

Today I spent close to half of the day on the phone, talking to or trying to reach, someone who could tell me something about the status of one of our client's claims.  It was really important I find out the status today because it was our appeals deadline, so I needed some time to do the appeal if necessary.

This client lives outside of the country, so I started out calling the state agency that I thought was handling his claim.  They directed me to call a specific Social Security office that handled international claims.  I called that number and was told I should try someone named Tracy.  I called Tracy and spoke with her assistant, Yolanda, who looked at the computer file and said she'd need to transfer me to someone who would have access to the file.

She transferred me to Lisa who looked in the computer file and said I needed to talk to a claims rep.  She transferred me to a claims rep named Elizabeth Taylor. ("Just like the movie star," she said.  "Before or after she went batshit crazy," I said.  Unfortunately, it was the latter.)  Elizabeth then gave me the number of Mr. Pena, who, she said, was the manager of the office that was in charge of this particular case.

I called Mr. Pena and left him a message.  I waited for a while and, knowing Social Security as I do, I started trying to track him down.  I googled his phone number and got a few hits on numbers in the same department.  I called one and, amazingly, got a real live person!  When I asked her if Mr. Pena had an assistant she said, "Yes, his assistant's name is Tracy.  Here is her number."  She then gave me Tracy's number.

After hanging up, I thought to myself, "Heeeey.  Tracy?  I wonder if..."  And sure enough, the number she gave me was the number for Tracy that I had called originally.  Like, four hours before.  This time, though, when I called Tracy, she picked up!  And after I explained everything to her, she looked in the computer and told me she was going to have to talk to Lisa.  Yes!  The same Lisa!

Finally, four hours later, I had my answer.  Kind of.  I never really found out the status of the case, but I found out enough to do what I needed to do.  It wasn't everything I needed, but I've found that you can't always get what you want.  Especially when a gigantic government agency is involved.

What does it say about me

when I get excited about this:

I bought one of these little beauties for my office and it finally came yesterday afternoon, so we all got to have wonderful, wonderful coffee this morning.  It was kind of funny, too, because when we were getting it ready to go, a crowd formed around us and everyone ooohed and ahhhed like this thing was our newborn baby and it was just taking its first crap.

I feel like it's ok, though, because it wasn't just me who was excited.  Pretty much the whole office was peeing their pants over it.  So, my whole office is weird.  Not just me.  Some people might get excited about adding a new member to their rafter, but since I don't have that particular blessing, I get excited about single-serving coffee makers.   Did you know this can make espresso?  AND cappuccino!  You want some?  Well, it's just one press of a button away!

Other things that occupy my time and/or entertain me when my office is extremely dull:

• someecards.com-- this, though, is something I'm just plain excited about and love with all my heart regardless of the dullness of my office;
• misspelled words on our intake forms, like "aggrivated" or "purkaset" or "abdomin";
• people with funny last names, like Dr. Goats;
• throwing magnets at the ceiling to see if they'll stick to the metal divider thingys.  (OK, this activity wasn't at this job, but it is something that I did at another job and will probably start doing here if I can't find something to entertain me for the rest of the day.);
• whenever there's a new Dear Abby;
• looking up stuff on wikipedia (for example, I found out that a group of turkeys is called a "rafter");
• trying to determine whether there is someone actually living in the RV that has been parked outside my window for the past week;
• researching how to adopt a chinese baby;
• making up dumb nicknames for my co-workers;

• looking at the adorable little preschool kids who walk outside my window every so often.  They are very cute and they keep them on hooked on to some kind of a leash, which is awesome.

Is there anything I've missed?  What do you do in your office when things get a little slow?  Is there something that you do to entertain yourself at work that you wouldn't do anywhere else?  Please, do tell!

I Heart Nevada

Greetings from scenic:

Yes, I am in Nevada again, but this time I'm in the great Washoe County, made famous by my friends over at Reno 911 and... Sister Act? That started out in Reno, right? As we speak, I am sitting in the airport using their free WiFi (Thanks, Reno-Taho Airport!) trying to kill time because my hearing here is in 4 hours and I have nothing to do for about 2 hours. After I finish up this post, I'm going to go down the hall and play slots for a little while and, hopefully, not lose all my taxi money. Cross your fingers for some good luck!

This will be my very first hearing as an actual lawyer. This does not mean that I have passed the bar anything. Techincally, we can appear here in Nevada (or any state, actually) because we practice administrative law and don't ever appear in court. Am I nervous? Yes, I am. It's actually not going to be too bad of a hearing and it should go pretty fast, but it's still a little nerve wracking because I don't really know what to expect.

The judge is a complete unknown to me and everyone in my office, so I don't know if he'll let me do an opening statement or if I'll start in on what I've prepared and he'll tell me to shut it already. I've prepared as well as I can, and there isn't really that much of a file to speak of, but I'm scared that the judge will aske me a question and I'll just be like "...um...yeah..." and then I'll have to just run out of the room. I'm sure it will be fine, but at the same time I'm sure it will end in tears, for me, my client, and everyone else involved. It's a good thing I brought my chill pills, huh? I'm just like a boy scout over here.

I am kind of bummed that I can't see more of Reno. My friend Rory came here last year for business and she got to spend an entire week, the lucky bastard. She told me that there would be magical creatures and extraordinary things to see, like midgets dancing on every street corner or unicorns that have been converted in to slot machines so that they will poop quarters when you hit the jackpot. So far, though, I haven't seen anything like that. It's just your regular airport with the expensive gift shops and the industrial carpet.

I'll have to be sure to take in the scenery when I'm in the cab on the way to the federal building. Hopefully I will see something of note to report back to you, but right now all I got is an airport security guard on a Segue. Man, I want one of those things!  The only other time I've been here was when I was driving to San Francisco with my boyfriend who was moving there for a job. We went to Taco Bell in the middle of the night and it was the scariest Taco Bell experience I've ever had. They were behind bullet proof glass! Like they've been robbed before! A Taco Bell! Who in their right mind would rob a Taco BellAre there a lot of burrito-crazed criminals here in Reno that I need to be concerned about? So, I was hoping for something more story-worthy than Taco Bell.

This is just a short trip for me (I'm flying home later today), so the only story I'm probably going to get out of this is how much shit will be all over my house because Lucy will be pooping her pants. I'm sure you're waiting with baited breath for the pictures of that fiasco. And I will be happy to oblige! Because I have all the time in the world now to post pictures of dog crap on my blog for all the world to see. Isn't that awesome? Yes, that's exactly what it is!

Career Change

At work, I use something called the Dictionary of Occupational Titles.  The DOT contains descriptions of every job you can think of.  In my line of work, it's used to determine whether an individual is able to perform the activities required of any given job.  Yes, it really is as interesting as it sounds and it doesn't make me want to gouge my eyes out in the least!

Today I was looking to see if they had "stripper" or "exotic dancer" because I was thinking about what would happen if a stripper was involved in a horrible pole sliding accident and wasn't able to work anymore.  This was not for a client, mind you, I was just curious.  While perusing through the job titles, I happened upon a few that really made me question my career choice.  Here are some of them:

• WEIGHT GUESSER Guesses weight of patrons at amusement park, carnival, or similar place of entertainment: Attracts attention of passing public, vociferously proclaiming game and skill. Scrutinizes patron's physique and makes oral estimate of weight. Invites patron to stand on scale or to sit in seat attached to industrial scale, usually forfeiting prize if weight guessed is not correct within 2 or 3 pounds. May demonstrate personal skill in guessing patron's age, occupation, home state, or other related pertinent data.

• BARKER (alternate titles: carney; spieler) Attempts to attract patrons to entertainment by exhorting passing public, describing attractions of show and emphasizing variety, novelty, beauty, or some other feature believed to incite listeners to attend entertainment. May conduct brief free show, introducing performers and describing acts to be given at feature performance.

• DUDE WRANGLER Performs combination of the following services for patrons of dude ranch to enhance guests' enjoyment: Saddles and unsaddles horses, adjusting equipment to accommodate each guest. Assists guests in mounting and dismounting. Plans itinerary of trips, taking into consideration wishes and preferences of guests, knowledge of terrain, and location of suitable campsites. Packs horses with supplies and provisions for extended or overnight trips. Entertains guests by singing, telling stories, or playing guitar or other instrument. Escorts female guests to dances and other social functions. May participate in rodeos provided by ranch management for entertainment of guests. May repair saddles.

• DECORATOR, MANNEQUIN Paints facial expressions on mannequins according to established standards, using artists' brushes and airbrush: Inspects mannequin heads to detect imperfections, such as scratches, chips, and cracks and discards defective heads. Mixes paint for eyes, brows, lips, and cheeks according to established formulas. Brushes paint on specified areas of mannequin to create lifelike appearance, using sample mannequin as guide. Applies paint to cheeks of mannequin, using airbrush. Measures and cuts eyelash strips, using rule and scissors. Attaches eyelash to mannequin, using pins. Sprays preservative coating on mannequin, using airbrush.

• CLOWN Dresses in comical costume and makeup and performs original or stock comedy routines to entertain audience. [Note: It says nothing about creeping people out, so I guess that's just left up to each individual clown to decide if they want to do it or not.  In my experience, they totally do.  See, also: Mime.]

• COMEDIAN Attempts to make audience laugh by telling jokes, delivering comic lines, singing humorous songs, performing comedy dances or walks, or facial contortions, wearing funny costumes, or resorting to any similar device to amuse audience. May do impersonations.  [I just keep imagining some poor comedian sitting in a cubicle and having their supervisor get on their back about not performing enough facial contortions this week and he'd better pick it up or Johnson's going to take home comedian of the month... again.]

• MIME Presents serious, humorous, or burlesqued interpretations of emotions, dramatic actions, and various situations through body movements, facial expressions, and gestures.

• THRILL PERFORMER Entertains audience at fairs, carnivals, and circuses by performing daredevil feats, such as diving from high diving board into tank of water, parachuting from airplane, or being shot from cannon onto net. May be designated according to specialty as Comedy Diver; Human Projectile; Parachutist.

• AMUSEMENT PARK ENTERTAINER Entertains audience in amusement park by exhibiting special skills. Designated according to specialty act performed as Fire Eater; Hypnotist; Organ Grinder; Phrenologist; Physiognomist; Snake Charmer; Sword Swallower. May be designated Side-Show Entertainer.

So, you might have noticed a theme in the jobs I picked out.  Yes, I once had a dream of being a circus performer.  Alas, I've painted myself into a corner with this whole "attorney" gig.  I never get to be shot from a cannon and whenever I try to guess people's weight, they just give me the hairy eyeball.